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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24309682">You're Dead to Me</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/immortal_darling/pseuds/immortal_darling'>immortal_darling</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Goodbye Ted [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Dead To Me (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>F/M, So please don't read if that makes you uncomfortable, a lot of unpleasant discussion about jen's mastectomy, i feel like i should have trigger warnings on this but i dont really know what to put down??, im sorry in advance because i fully depressed myself with this</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 03:28:09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>4,179</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24309682</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/immortal_darling/pseuds/immortal_darling</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>The night Ted died was one of the worst nights of Jen's life long before she found out her husband was lying on the side of the road.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Jen Harding/Ted Harding</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Goodbye Ted [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1754950</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>18</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>You're Dead to Me</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Okay so this is the first of nine one shots I'm planning of Jen letting go and saying goodbye to Ted in stages. Much angst lol I'm just dipping my toes into this fandom but I'm definitely thinking of a lot more stories outside of this collection as well. Also ! as a sidenote, anyone that's interested in joining a Dead to Me discord chat should come chill with us here https://discord.gg/gA6FMd ! ( if this doesn't work pls message me and I'll try and link you properly lol )</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>She could see him through the kitchen window in his studio playing guitar. She couldn’t hear it but she could tell by the way his shoulders were moving that he was singing too and Jen was struck once again by the desire to be close to her husband.</p>
<p>They hadn’t been more intimate than a hug or a chaste kiss here and there in a year and a half. He always had an excuse for why he couldn’t and they were all convincing enough but she couldn’t help but fear there was more to it than that. Ted had never said anything but she could <em>feel</em> it, he hadn’t even seen her naked since her bandages came off and she no longer needed help in the shower.</p>
<p>Jen had hoped it’d get better but she had no idea how to fix it, what she needed to do to get back what they had.</p>
<p>When they were young he used to make her feel like the hottest woman in any room she was in. Even after two kids and almost two decades of marriage it’d been the same, as soon as she showed up his eyes were on her. <em>Until this.</em></p>
<p>Since the surgery she’d felt invisible.</p>
<p>He still did everything he was supposed to, he smiled when she came home, he put his arm around her when they were with friends, he was a great father. But he wasn’t <em>her</em> Ted. No matter how hard she tried Jen always felt like his distance, like he was intentionally keeping her at an arms length.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>————</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ted had been out in his studio for hours since the boys had headed off to bed. He was working on a song he was helping Bambi write and while it wasn’t what he’d call his best work, it felt good to feel like an artist again. Before he’d lost the weight and started things up with the young songwriter he’d felt himself spiralling into a depression as he lamented over the dismal failure his life had become, resigning himself to the fact he was never going to be the rock star he dreamt of.</p>
<p>He’d even started taking medication, not that he’d admit that to anyone but his mother. But he was starting to feel like he might be on the other side of things, Bambi was so bright and happy and no, he wasn’t considering blowing up his life for her but she was giving him something back. The way her eyes lit up when he helped her with a line, the smile on her face when she called him a genius.</p>
<p>It made him feel like the guy he used to be, the guy he thought he’d always be before he found himself a house husband about to turn 50, his life having passed him by.</p>
<p>“Hey, baby. What’re you working on?” Jen asked when she eventually worked up the courage to come and interrupt.</p>
<p>“Nothing special, honey.” He answered easily, a better liar than he ever thought he’d be. His smile was warm as she walked in and he couldn’t deny he still loved her. It was why he was keeping things from her, he didn’t want her to get hurt. Or at least that’s what he told himself. His lies were for her and had nothing to do with the fact that without her he may actually have to work for a living.</p>
<p>He watched her carefully, endeared by the way she walked around the room touching his equipment almost like she was nervous. A feeling you’d assume would be long forgotten after eighteen years of marriage. Ted would always love her for a hundred little reasons, she was his wife, his partner until death do them part.</p>
<p>But he wasn’t attracted to her anymore. Jen used to be his muse — the hottest girl in any room she walked into. She had legs down to there, an ass that wouldn’t quit and.. the most perfect breasts he’d ever seen.</p>
<p>When he looked at her now there was a disconnect. He doesn’t want her to know, hopes his lies are convincing enough because he doesn’t want to hurt her but she feels like a different woman to him now. Older, more cynical, her breasts the way they were — she never danced anymore. She wasn’t the woman he married anymore, that person died somewhere along the way he thought.</p>
<p>Not acknowledging his part in her changes, not admitting even to himself that if that Jen had died he’d been the one to kill her.</p>
<p>“Brought you some water.” She said offering the glass. Six months ago she’d be bringing him a beer but he was making good changes and she was happy to support that. “Thanks babe.” He replied, taking a sip before putting it down on the stool, wondering why she’d come but not wanting to make her feel unwelcome by asking.</p>
<p>She didn’t know how to take it. His eyes were just as warm as they’d always been, he’s smiling at her just the same.. and everything is normal <em>up until it isn’t.</em> Taking a deep breath she takes the shot, not knowing how many she has left in her if the man she loved kept turning her away.</p>
<p>An arm wrapping around his shoulders, she sat on his lap — innocently at first and he embraces it easily, arms opening, he placed his guitar down before wrapping them around her. <em>“Hey.”</em> He chuckled softly, wondering what kind of mood this was. Ted knew there were occasions where she just wanted to be held and for that at least, he could still be counted on.</p>
<p><em>“Hi.”</em> Was her soft response before her eyes moved from his down to his lips and theres a moment of hesitation, a hitch in her breath before she leans forward, a hand coming up to rest against his face as she pressed a kiss against his lips. When he doesn’t pull away like she feared, she lets her tongue glide along his bottom lip requesting entry, surprised when it’s granted.</p>
<p>It’s the first time they’d kissed like this in over a year and for Jen it felt like coming home. Relief filling her as she thought just maybe things were turning around again. Ted would admit he was enjoying the moment too but it didn’t change how he felt.</p>
<p>Slowly, as if she were afraid to spook him, her hand moved to his chest, then lower reaching for the hem of his shirt — and that’s when he stopped her. Taking her hand in his as he tried to let her down gently. “Come on baby, don’t tease.”</p>
<p>“<em>It’s not teasing if you’re planning on putting out.</em>” She replied in her most sultry tone as her lips moved to his neck.</p>
<p>“You know I <em>can’t</em>.” He answered immediately, though as her lips moved to his neck he found his interest mildly peaked.</p>
<p>“Yeah your back, I know.” She sighed. <em>God, she hated that excuse</em>. Like she didn’t have just as many fucking back problems. “<em>But</em> if I do all the work you’ll be fine.” Jen offered, as she grabbed the back of his chair adjusting herself so that she was straddling him instead, her lips barely leaving his skin.</p>
<p>His hands finding her hips, he let out a tense breath, feeling like he’d unintentionally trapped himself in an awkward situation he wasn’t gonna get out of this without hurting her feelings. “Jen, I’m <em>tired.</em>”</p>
<p>“<em>You’re always tired</em>.” The blonde huffed in frustration, finally deciding it was time to give up as she climbed off of him, pride wounded once more. Why did it always have to be this hard? He was kissing her back, holding her against him — <em>what was the fucking problem?</em></p>
<p>“Aren’t <em>you</em> after working all day?” He asked, trying to defuse the situation before it turned into anything worse, getting up from his seat and trying to guide her back into the main house. “Come on lets go inside I’ll crack open a bottle for you.”</p>
<p>“No it’s fine, I’m not really in the mood.” She didn’t wanna go inside yet, she wanted to be able to talk this through and doing it out here meant less chance of the boys hearing anything they shouldn’t.</p>
<p>“<em>For wine?</em> Thats a new one.” Ted questioned, a slight scoff attached to it.</p>
<p>Eyes narrowing, anger started to bubble in her chest at the insinuation.“What the fuck does that mean?”</p>
<p>“Nothing, I’m just saying.” Ted shrugged, he hadn’t been looking for a fight. Jen had always liked to drink — a lot. He wouldn’t call it a problem exactly but he’d never really known her to turn down a drink especially the older they got.</p>
<p>“Yeah well <em>I’m</em> just saying <em>maybe</em> if you didn’t spend all your time out here and I don't know actually talked to me once in a while I wouldn’t be so <em>fucking bored</em> I have to drink every night.” The blonde snapped, her bitterness at their current issue coming out by picking at a much smaller one. She knew she drank a lot, she didn’t deny it, she liked to drink and she worked hard enough to fucking earn it. It wasn’t what she was upset about and they both knew it.</p>
<p>“You don’t wanna <em>talk</em> Jen.” He sighed, a hand rubbing over his face in frustration. So they were fucking doing this then.</p>
<p>“Yeah, well is what I want <em>so bad?</em>” She shot back, her voice raising in volume, emotion starting to brim in her eyes despite herself. “You haven’t touched me in over a year.”</p>
<p>Ted can hear the way her voice hitches as she says it and it breaks his heart. He wishes it was different, wishes he could get over it, he does but — “I just.. <em>I don’t have it in me anymore</em>.” He tried, pleading with her to just let it go.</p>
<p>“Because of <em>this</em> you mean?” Jen snapped back, gesturing toward her chest, wanting to get right to the root of real problem, trying to force the truth out of him. “So if not me who <em>are</em> you fucking?” It’s not the first time she’s accused him, she’d asked before, unable to believe he could really go over a year with nothing.</p>
<p>“No one.” He answered, the same answer he always gave and with just as much conviction. “Jen, come on we’re getting older now, I’m just.. I’m not <em>feeling</em> it, okay?” He was always so fucking believable. Jen had never been the type to just accept anybody’s bullshit but Ted had always been her blindspot.“Maybe I’m going through something okay? Y’know I’m gonna be 50 years old in a couple months and I’m <em>still</em> gonna be a nobody. A total fucking <em>loser</em> who never made it.”</p>
<p>A tear escaping without her consent she stepped forward, wondering if maybe she had been wrong thinking this was about her. Maybe the problem was was him. <em>Did he really feel that pathetic? Was he really so disappointed with the life they’d built together? </em>She knew it wasn’t what they dreamt of —he wasn’t the rockstar they thought he’d be, but was he really so unhappy?</p>
<p>It wasn’t everything Jen thought her life would be either. She thought she was gonna be a dancer not a fucking real estate agent supporting a family of four but she thought they’d done pretty well for themselves. <em>That she’d done pretty well by him</em>.</p>
<p>And it fucking <em>hurt</em>. To hear him talk about his life like it was some dismal disappointment. But maybe if that’s really what it was she could fix it? She could make him feel like that rock god again.</p>
<p><em>“You’re not a nobody to me.”</em> She reminded, unable to keep the emotion from her voice as her hands found their place against his chest. For a moment he relaxed at her touch and she took encouragement where he hadn’t intended to offer any. “To the kids.” She added quietly, trying to show him his value as her mouth moved to his neck once again.</p>
<p><em>“Jen, stop!</em> I just don’t fucking want to okay?” Ted snapped, stepping back to put some distance between them.</p>
<p>So much for that fucking theory, she thought, shaking her head and taking a moment to push away the humiliation of yet another rejection before she spoke again, her voice filled with palpable bitterness. “So thats it then. We’re 48 and 49 and we’re just never gonna have sex again until we die because you’re sad you didn’t become a rockstar?”</p>
<p>“…and my back, y’know.” He added lamely, hoping she’d just storm off and they could just forget this whole thing ever even happened.</p>
<p>“Oh <em>fuck off</em> about the back, I don’t wanna hear it. You ran a fucking marathon last month but you can’t exert yourself for 20 minutes to be with your fucking wife.” She threw back, anger escalating quickly</p>
<p>“Christ, Jen.” He responded with a low groan, wanting nothing more than to escape this fucking conversation.</p>
<p>“No really, you look me in the fucking eyes and tell me <em>this </em>isn’t why.” She demanded, gesturing to her chest once more as she stepped into his space.</p>
<p>“Will you j— <em>it's not.. its not the same okay?</em>” He said finally, breaking in his resolve to save her feelings as she pushed him for what felt like the hundredth time. Ted never wanted her to know the truth, never wanted her to have to feel like it was her fault but she just wouldn’t<em> stop</em> and it was like she wanted him to fucking say it.</p>
<p>Somehow she thought it’d be better. To know the truth, to know it wasn’t just her being crazy or paranoid but that the feeling she had about why he didn’t want her anymore was accurate. But it wasn’t. Hearing it.. knowing that was really the reason and there was nothing she could do to fix it — <em>it was like all the air left the room at once</em>. A sharp pain in her chest escaped as a sob as she looked up at him, desperate for him to see past it. “But I’m still <em>me</em>, I’m still the same.”</p>
<p>“No! You’re fucking not.” He yelled back and he hated himself for it but they were here now and the situation wasn’t gonna change so he may as well dig his grave completely.</p>
<p>“<em>What do you m—</em>” Her cry was cut off as he pushed her up against the wall, his hand snaking underneath her shirt to take her bare breast in his hand, his thumb moving in circular motions over the centre where nipple had been reformed. It was everything she’d wanted from him for eighteen months and everything about it felt fucking wrong. “<em>You can’t feel this can you?</em>”</p>
<p>His voice was a whisper against her ear, angry, frustrated, but not malicious. He just wanted her to understand. Ted knew there was nothing she could do about it, he knew this wasn’t fair. But she wanted to know and this was the only way he could make her <em>get</em> it. “Before the surgery you used to go crazy for this <em>every time</em> without fail but you can’t even <em>feel</em> it now because your nipples aren’t even <em>there</em>, they’re just drawn on. And they’re not warm like they used to be either and <em>I can’t</em>, okay?” Resting his forehead against hers for a moment, he slowed his touch, gently moving his hand back out from under her shirt, placing it on her hip as he stayed pressed against her. Hoping that the proximity would take away part of the sting, that she’d understand he wasn’t trying to be cold, he was just trying to give her the honestly she wanted.</p>
<p>“And <em>I’m sorry </em>because I <em>fucking</em> love you, but.. I <em>can’t</em>.” Emotion in his own voice as he pulled away, he hoped this could be the end of it. That she’d just be satisfied with spooning and kisses rated PG-13.</p>
<p>Her vision was blurred, tears rolling freely down her face from the moment he put his hand on her. To think, she’d wanted it for months and now the reality of it had bile rising in her throat. As he pulled away she was sure she’d never felt so disgusting in her entire life. Like she was some kind of deformed freak no one would ever want again.</p>
<p>
  <em>She used to be the most beautiful girl in the room.</em>
</p>
<p>He used to write songs about her.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“It’s not like I fucking <em>chose</em> this.” She replied, intending to convey anger but even in her own ears her voice only sounded broken. Distraught by the truth she’d feared.</p>
<p>“<b><em>Except that you did!</em></b> Thats the thing, <em>you weren’t even sick!</em> You just cut them off, you didn’t even <em>care</em> how I’d feel about it.” He yelled back, forgetting himself as emotion got the better of him. He shouldn’t blame her, he knows that but he’s looking at her standing in front of him, the woman he’d loved for half his lifetime, heartbroken at his hands and it was too much. He finds himself trying to blame her for it so he doesn’t have to bare the guilt himself.</p>
<p>“I had the gene, Ted!” Jen spat back, unable to believe he’d even go there. “I was high risk you have <em>NO IDEA</em> what its like, okay? I did it for the boys so that they never had to watch <em>that</em>.” To watch her die slowly and in pain, disintegrating in front of their eyes like her mother had throughout her teens.</p>
<p>“They might not’ve had to watch it anyway! What if you never got it at all?!” He demanded, angry at the hand life had dealt. Angry thinking about how things still would’ve been fine if she’d never had the surgery. She would’ve been enough for him the rest of his life.</p>
<p>“It was a pretty big fucking risk, Ted.” Was all she could say, stunned that he was really angry with her because she didn’t want to risk dying prematurely.</p>
<p>“Yeah well <em>the alternative</em> was a pretty big fucking risk for <em>us</em> but you took that.” He’d told her before she did it, he told her he didn’t want her to. That it’d be a mistake, she didn’t need it that they could cross that bridge if it ever came up and he could tell by the way she looked at him that she knew. She knew he might not be able to get passed it and she did it anyway.</p>
<p>The reminder was like being slapped in the face and having a knife twisted in her gut at the same time, who was this fucking guy? Had she really just spent the last 20 years with a guy that cared more about her fucking tits than her life?</p>
<p>She didn’t even realise she’d done it until it was too late, her anger got the better of her and with force and speed she didn’t know she had, her fist connected with his face.</p>
<p>A gasp leaving her own lips as he stumbled back, she spoke quickly as she moved toward him, checking if he was alright. “<em>Fuck, I’m sorry</em>.”</p>
<p>“What the fuck is <em>wrong</em> with you?” He yelled, holding his eye as he shoved her away.</p>
<p>“<em>Baby, I’m sorry</em>.”She tried again, genuinely remorseful despite all that was said as she tried to get a better look at the damage.</p>
<p>“You just punched me in the fucking face, you fucking psycho.” He yelled again, causing her own voice to raise as well as she replied,“I didn’t mean it okay, I said I’m fucking sorry!” And what the fuck else could she do than that? Especially with him keeping her at an arms length.</p>
<p>“Whatever. I’m getting <em>the fuck</em> out of here.” He huffed, picking up his phone and heading toward the front door.</p>
<p>“Wait, where are you going?” Jen panicked, fearing the loss of him completely as she followed him into the main house hoping she could still find some way to salvage this.</p>
<p>“<em>Out</em>.”</p>
<p>“It’s one o’clock in the fucking morning, <em>where</em> are you gonna go?” She questioned again, desperation in her tone as she tried to grab hold of his hand.</p>
<p>“<em>Anywhere</em> but here.” He answered, ripping his hand away from her as he approached the door.</p>
<p>Stopping in her tracks, she tried a different tactic, holding her ground voice booming as she laid down an ultimatum motivated by a paralysing fear of abandonment.“Ted, you walk out that fucking door and <em>you’re fucking dead to me</em>.”</p>
<p><em>Good</em>. He almost said, tired and ready to be rid of her temper. “I’m done, Jen.” Ted answered, looking back at her as he opened the door, his eyes now lacking their usual warmth. “<em>You need help</em>.” And with that he was walking away from her, muttering a barely audible ’<em>crazy fucking bitch</em>’ as he slammed the door behind him.</p>
<p><em>“Fine, then fucking go!”</em> She screams after him, her sobs bringing her to her knees momentarily as her heart broke in her chest. It wasn’t long before she found herself rushing toward the downstairs bathroom to empty the content of her stomach, the pain in her throat from all her weeping causing her to retch. Deciding to stay there out of sight from both her boys she tried to rein it back in and pull herself together. It wasn’t long before she started calling him, not even sure what exactly it was she was going to say — whether she was going to cuss him out and tell him she was putting his stuff out on the lawn or beg him to just come home and forget about it.</p>
<p>Either way he ignored all her calls and she wasn’t about to leave a voicemail.</p>
<p>Instead, Ted called his mother Lorna, hoping he could get her to pick him up but when she didn’t answer he decided the walk to her place might do him some good anyway. It’d give him the time to think.</p>
<p>He was kicking himself for letting his true feelings slip. It was his fault things got that out of hand whether or not she’d been the one to escalate it. But maybe this could be a good thing? Now they didn’t have to live with that unspoken elephant in the room. And while he’d have been happy to live out the rest of his days as her husband in a more platonic relationship, maybe this was for the best?</p>
<p>Maybe she’d divorce him and he’d give things a real shot with Bambi in a way he’d never given proper thought to before. He was sure Jen would find someone else too eventually, she was still gorgeous, and though he didn’t love the idea of seeing her with someone else, maybe that was their best shot at happiness now. <em>Maybe eventually they could even be friends.</em></p>
<p>Whatever happened, he was going to let it be <em>her decision.</em> He might be going to his mothers for the night but he wasn’t about to be that guy that left his wife because she didn’t want to risk cancer. He’d lived his whole life in this town, something like that was bound to get around and follow him to his dying day like a black mark against his name.</p>
<p>His musings of the future and what life had in store were cut short however, as a car plowed into him out of nowhere sending him flying and then crashing back down to the ground in a mangled heap.</p>
<p>The pain was like no agony he’d ever felt, nothing he could ever describe in words. He couldn’t move, he couldn’t talk and he knew there was no way he was going to recover.</p>
<p>He was about to die by the side of the road because he <em>was</em> that guy who left his wife because she did the smart thing and saved herself.</p>
<p>And worse than that, he was going to die slowly and in pain. <em>The irony wasn’t lost on him even in this final hour</em>.</p>
<p>Nor was the fact that while in her time of need, he’d turned his back. Proclaiming her dead and moving on from her like he had any right to and now? While he lay in the dirt helpless and scared, she was still at his side. Her picture was almost all he could see, his phone still within view as she called him over and over again.</p>
<p>Minutes ago he’d rejected almost a dozen calls like she was some kind of leper and now he’d give anything to be able to answer. <em>Even just to hear her screaming at him one last time.</em></p>
<p>And there in the middle of nowhere, cold and alone Ted Harding the almost rockstar took his last few breaths and as he did so, his final thoughts were filled with regret, not for the life he thought he missed out on but for the life and the people he’d had and turned his back on.</p>
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